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Archive for May, 2015

Being a mum

I sat down at my office desk. It was 09h35. I had just been on a trek to deliver something for my boss. It was a trip that took longer than expected. The directions I had printed from Google Maps were not altogether accurate and the GPS, on its own accord, switched itself off and on when it felt like it. It really had a mind of its own. In fact at one point I called my husband to advise him I was completely lost and had ended up in the car park for McDonalds. I had thought that I would stop in and buy a coke but actually, I didn’t really want one. I just needed to take a breather from my lostness. To drink something sugary and sweet. I just wanted to be somewhere familiar (McDonalds are found everywhere in the world practically). Chris was helpful. Strangely, as he began to give me directions to guide me back on track, the GPS gave the same directions from the floor. Chris told me to ignore the GPS because it had been so temperamental and unreliable. But NOW it decided to be helpful. This time I was going to listen to my husband! The GPS was like that nagging voice telling you what to do but should be ignored. Chris guided me back to my office as if he knew Pretoria inside-out. In fact, he probably does. He is a plumber and travels all over the place to help people with plumbing issues. I am grateful for his knowledge.

I sat at my desk and cried. I allowed the tears to just roll down my face. I sat back in my chair and let my body relax. I was tense. I was tired. I had had several sleepless nights this week and it was catching up with me. Yesterday we finally took our little girl to the paediatrician who diagnosed that she needed gromits in her ears and an asthma pump to help her breathing issues. It had been a long journey. Nights of interrupted sleep, crying, exhaustion. Skye needed to come right. We’re getting there.
But I was tired. At work I have to be professional. At home I have to be the in-control mum who is able to carry on with no sleep. For Chris I have to be a wife. But here I am having an identity crisis because I don’t feel good at any of these things.

Today, I brought the tired mum to work. It was hard to leave her behind. Just give me a tea and a crunchie and I will be alright in a few minutes. But these days it is just taking a little bit longer to switch between roles. Just give me grace. And time. You will see what I can do.

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